An anti-oppressive approach to misgendering

What are pronouns and how can I use them?

★ Many languages, including English, use pronouns to describe a person instead of their name. In English, some examples of pronouns are they and them, she and her, he and him, or fae and faer.

★ In many languages, including English, personal pronouns are words used to replace the specific names of people (e.g., instead of referring to Maria by name, as in “Maria went to the park”, describing how “she went to the park”).

★ Many people use personal pronouns every day without realising it (e.g., “she went to the store” or “he’s my friend”). You probably do, too.

What about using they/them pronouns?

★ Many people use singular they/them pronouns every day without realising it (e.g., “someone left their wallet here. we’d better return it to them.”)

★ Many people with unexamined cis privilege have criticised the use of the singular they/them pronouns as new, a fad, or as grammatically incorrect. However, these criticisms stem from ignorance about the history of they/them pronouns in the English language.

★ Did you know that, as explained in an Oxford English Dictionary article (OED, 2018), the singular use of they as a personal pronoun has been used in English language publications by popular authors since as far back as 1375—over 600 years ago?

★ Are you aware that although some non-binary people feel that binary people adding “they” pronouns to “he” or “she” pronouns helps to normalise the use of they/them pronouns, many non-binary people and communities consider this practice offensive or appropriative rather than supportive, particularly when binary people do not insist on their “they” pronouns being used?

★ Did you know that when professionals of cisgender experience (for example, counsellors with cis privilege) add “they” pronouns “to show trans people I am safe” that many non-binary and binary people of trans experience feel unsafe with practitioners using “they”  pronouns to get business and gain trust from marginalised people?

★ Did you know that if you adopt “they” pronouns for this reason, it can violate informed consent of people who may be seeking health and social care professionals of non-binary and/or binary trans experience? This is because many people would only choose to share some experiences and information with a practitioner who shared a similar lived experience and/or community.

★ Did you know that adopting pronouns without sharing your societal positioning in a way that acknowledges your cis privilege can reduce safety rather than increasing it?

What about people who use more than one set of pronouns?

★ Some people use one set of pronouns (e.g., “Rae’s pronouns are they/them”) and some people use more than one (e.g., “Laura’s pronouns are she/her and they/them interchangeably”).

★ Some people who use more than one pronoun (e.g., “she/her and they/them interchangeably”, “) shorten the written form (e.g., “Laura (she/they)”).

★ When someone uses more than one pronoun, this usually does not mean they want you to use only the binary one that might be more familiar to you

★ Some people who use she/they or he/they actually use they exclusively when they’re with people whom they feel they can trust to respect their pronouns, or they might have different contexts where they use each set of pronouns. Some people use interchangeable pronouns wherever they are.

★ When someone uses more than one pronoun, this doesn’t usually mean that you can just pick the one you’re used to using and ignore the other one (e.g., only using “she” to describe a person who uses she/they pronouns).

What can I do to be inclusive and welcoming?

★ Unless you’re able to check privately beforehand with a person who uses more than one pronoun, commit to using the more societally marginalised pronoun at least half of the time to counterbalance the disrespect and erasure that non-binary people experience on a daily basis.

★Respecting everyone’s pronouns– not just the ones that are familiar or similar to yours— helps to create spaces where people of all genders can feel connected, safe, and welcome.

★When you’re learning to use pronouns that are new and unfamiliar to you, it’s important for you to commit to practising in your own time. Practising on your own time means that you are taking accountability for your pronoun use, instead of transferring the burden of this work onto people who already do a lot of emotional labour to be respected in everyday life.

★ Avoid treating other people’s pronouns as less valid than your own. Using incorrect pronouns usually sends the message that you don’t respect or welcome someone, even if that isn’t your intention.

★ Remember the saying “inclusive is as inclusive does”. Inclusion isn’t about telling people how inclusive you are. It’s about consistently acting in inclusive ways in your everyday life.

Some ethical ways practitioners can avoid misgendering people include:

★ always remember that it is the practitioner’s responsibility to use correct pronouns that are chosen by the people we work with

★ ensure that practitioners share their own pronouns with all people participating in services, and invite people to share their own pronouns on any forms in an open text field and when you first meet. It’s also important to remember that although many people do use personal pronouns, some people use only their name instead of pronouns.

★ practitioners need to practice using correct pronouns and make this part of our skill set

★ practitioners should not expect equity-deserving people with marginalised genders to be understanding if practitioners misgender them

★ avoid making assumptions about people’s pronouns based solely on their names, appearance, voice, identity labels, or personal characteristics

★ remember that many people don’t see themselves as “moving from one gender to another”; instead, many people feel that they were non-consensually assigned an incorrect gender at birth.

★ remember that some people are from culture(s) where gender works differently from how it does in the therapist’s own culture(s) (e.g., societies with a history and present of recognising more than two traditional genders; where gender is not classified during childhood; where gender is not externally assigned or assumed to map onto biology in specific ways.)

Image donated by Mx Rae Sabine (they/them)

Image donated by Mx Rae Sabine (they/them)

What can I do if I misgender someone?

If you accidentally misgender someone by using an incorrect pronoun in a therapeutic setting:

★ acknowledge that it happened and explicitly name that you misgendered them

★ centre their feelings by giving them space to share if they wish and listening to how your words and actions affected them

★ avoid centring your own feelings of embarrassment, discomfort, guilt, etc. – this means not redirecting the conversation to be about you

★ give a simple sorry and admit you made a mistake, without making what happened about you or rushing to justify or explain

★ correct yourself by using the correct pronouns in front of anyone else who might have been incorrectly pronoun cued by your misgendering

★ check whether they’re ready to move on or need you to listen more

★ don’t try to make your discomfort better by pushing them to “move on”, “get over it”, or “let it go”

★ avoid sharing examples of when people who were misgendered were “fine with it” or didn’t hold you accountable; silence of marginalised people can often indicate feeling uncomfortable or silenced, not being okay with or unharmed by your misgendering behaviour

★ accept accountability for your own behaviour: avoid any attempt to highlight what they “should” have done to prevent you from misgendering them (e.g., “if you had dressed in more feminine clothing…”)

★ commit to doing your own work on your own time

★ choose to do better next time